BREAKING: Bjornlund, Slave to the Slot Machine

On Monday, Dec. 5 at approximately 11:00 a.m., esteemed candidate Tiger Bjornlund was found hunched over on a slot machine at the Maryland Live Casino, with drool slipping out of his mouth, wearing what appeared to be yesterday’s clothes. That was the first clue. The rest, as they say, is history.

After this disturbing report, The Walking Nine naturally needed to investigate. After speaking with multiple sources, all of whom chose to remain anonymous, the pieces finally fit together: Tiger Bjornlund has a gambling problem.

“Bjornlund has always been competitive,” an anonymous childhood friend of Bjorlund said. “But after we started playing poker in high school, everything changed. He couldn’t stop.”

After finding Bjornlund in the casino on Monday, our reporters continued to follow him throughout the day to see just how deep this scandal runs. After his slot-machine nap, which ended around 12:30 p.m., Bjourland entered a black Uber van and traveled to an abandon shirtwaist factory in downtown D.C.

Though we couldn’t see what was happening inside the factory without being spotted, we caught up with an anonymous third party who was there to mediate the interaction, and she confirmed our suspicions.

“Tiger was there to pay off a large sum of money that he borrowed, and lost, gambling,” our source said. “I was there to make sure he paid up, or to serve as witness if he didn’t. Tiger’s addiction is well-known in these parts, and he’s been known to be unpredictable when it comes to following through on money.”

Our source also mentioned that the person Bjornlund was paying had a weapon on him, in case Bjornlund did not come up with the money and the engagement turned violent.

It’s clear Bjornlund has a deeply rooted personal issue, but could this scandal extend to his campaign?

“My friend is a very high-ranking official in the campaign, and he mentioned to me that funds from the campaign had recently been disappearing without explanation,” another anonymous source confided. “He also said that Bjornlund has seemed distracted at work, and frequently takes time away from the campaign to take random, mid-day ‘business trips’--that’s when they’ve seen a dip into campaign funds. They know what this looks like, and they’re terrified of it breaking out.”

How the public will receive this kind of news has yet to be seen; The Walking Nine will continue to bring you up-to-date as the story unfolds.

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