BREAKING: Gordy's Saucy Secret

Until now, Max Gordy’s biggest appeal has been his sincerity. While other candidates delivered pre-prepared speeches, Gordy spoke to the people from the heart. But now, shocking allegations have arisen that may prove this image nothing more than a facade, and Gordy’s good-guy reputation? Built upon lies and theft!

Before his bid for presidency, candidate Max Gordy was already a household name. Not as a stuffy politician, or a world traveler, but as an American business owner: the brand name on every household condiment.

Gordy’s brand, Gordy’s with GustoⓇ, is nationally renowned. His barbecue sauce, particularly, is critically acclaimed; it’s stocked in super markets nationwide and ranked number one on Food Networks’ list of “Top Ten Kitchen Essentials”--placing before butter or salt.

Even infamously critical chef Gordon Ramsey applauded its quality.

“Bottled barbecue sauce is the most b******t combination of sugar and spices there is. It’s the f**king worst,” Ramsey said. “That being said, Gordy’sⓇ has managed to turn that b******t into some kind of balance. It didn’t make me want to vomit.”

Yet for years, Gordy has kept the key to his sauce a secret. But now, America will finally understand why: Gordy’s recipe was not a stroke of culinary genius, but stolen--from Applebee’s.

“It first caught my attention when I came home to dinner one night, and I realized the sauce my wife had just poured out of the bottle tasted an awful lot like what I had for lunch. My wife bought this Gordy’sⓇ sauce, and I was outraged,” the CEO of Appleebee’s confided in The Walking Nine yesterday. “We’ve had experts come and do chemical tests to confirm it and everything. It boils my blood to see him claiming to be honest and sincere, but we know the truth. And we won’t tolerate it--you can tell Gordy that we will be suing.”

Upon The Walking Nine’s own careful examination, we confirmed that both BBQ sauces show remarkable similarities. They have the exact same dark amber color, the same rich texture; both are with a kick of flavor and subtle traces of honey.

The one stark difference? The price.

A bottle of Gordy’s sauce sells for about three dollars more than Applebee’s’, earning him hundreds more in revenue per month and cheating Applebee’s out of thousands of dollars every year.

The Applebee’s signature sauce is one of the most prized secrets of the Applebee’s kitchen and the company’s biggest moneymaker. A top secret recipe that few employees truly know, this sauce covers millions of ribs, thousands of burgers, and hundreds of steaks. Per week.

According to the CEO, Applebee's is not yet certain of how Gordy obtained the recipe, but they suspect it was during his time working at as a server at an Applebee’s restaurant when he was a teenager.

“He was a good worker, but kind of a sketchy guy. I found him one day in the back office, looking real shady, and got a real bad feeling about it.” said Gordy’s former manager. “I never left him alone after that. If you can’t trust the man in a restaurant, how can you trust him in the White House?”

It’s not everyday that a presidential candidate is accused of fraud and outright theft by a national franchise. If he resorted to these means just for business endeavor, how far will he go for the presidency? How can we believe he’s truly the man he says he is? And as a candidate for president, how can we trust that he’ll truly act in the best interest of American businesses--the same businesses he’s spent years undermining?

We've yet to see what this lawsuit will mean for the Gordy campaign, but rest assured, The Walking Nine will keep you updated on the latest developments.

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