BREAKING: Konstantin questionably close to "the Russian people"

Konstantin Belikow has been a strong candidate this election season, with nine endorsements and strong, decisive speeches. However, reporters from The Walking Nine have uncovered a scandal that could potentially be the end of his campaign.

At 1:34 PM on Tuesday afternoon, Belikow sent an email to his wife regarding seemingly innocent dinner plans this Saturday. Except for the fact that Belikow, seemingly accidentally, carbon copied every official working within the Russian government, including Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev, Sergei Donskoi, Sergei Lavrov, and even Russian President Vladimir Putin.

In the email, Belikow inquired about a 7 o’clock reservation at the Russian and Uzbek restaurant, Rus-Uz, in Arlington, Virginia.

“Honey, table for two @ Rus-Uz tonight; pick you up at 6?” read the email simply, accompanied by a winky emoji.

The Walking Nine managed to obtain an exclusive interview with President Vladimir Putin between his extensive exercise routine.

“While I am most flattered on behalf of the Russian people,” Putin told us between suppressed chuckles that almost toppled him from his horse, “I’m afraid I have to decline. The jet-lag would interfere with my boxing match.”

However, Belikow’s secretary reported that since the email was sent out, 174 Russian officials have confirmed their attendance.

The real question is though: How close does Belikow really work with “the Russian people”? And why was Belikow able to contact these officials so easily?

According to an anonymous source within the campaign, Belikow obtained the contact information of these government officials during a top secret meeting in Russia last summer, before he announced his candidacy.

The Walking Nine followed his trail to a small hotel outside of Moscow, where we spoke to the innkeeper.

“It was a very last minute reservation,” the innkeeper said. “He came in late, escorted by a tall, bulky man wearing a black coat. They spoke briefly. I didn’t hear much, but I caught a few words. Something about ‘president’, ‘tamper,’ and ‘in Russia’s best interests.’”

Belikow has bragged and boasted about his close relationship with Ms. Quackenbush, who endorsed his campaign, and his plan to mend our nation’s relationship with Russia, but this kind of relationship insinuates something a bit more sinister. Could Belikow be a pawn in a bigger ploy to influence the American government?

“Konstantin has always had great respect for the Russians, and often mentions that it is a great goal of his to improve our relationship with them,” our anonymous source within the campaign continued.

This may seem like a positive thing, but how far will Belikow be willing to go in order to improve relationships with Russia? Does he support the Russian invasion of Ukraine? Will he drag the United States into the Syrian Civil War?

And, most importantly, how can we trust a man who has such easy access to a government that is notorious for committing grave atrocities against human rights? And who is reckless enough with his contacts to copy that same government into an email?

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